"See? Food, money...what could be better than that? Only thing i can think of is sex."
            "Yeah, i can see it--the JC Penney's sex sale."
            --Laura Pelkey and Beth Kessler, on the JC Penney's sweet sale

"You know me. I eat at speeds comparable to really fast things."
            --Rory

"If you borrow my baseball bat for some nefarious purpose, i do not want it back."
            --Chae, from one of her stories

"Dear Dave,
            "Can you make Ron eat more? I mean, look at him! He's all skin and bone!"
            --Beth Kessler, in a note to the dining halls

"Wow, they're driving underwater pintos."
            --Myself, on the submarine chase in 'The Abyss'

"Can you help me get the really big hair i've always wanted?"
            --Bev

"Yeah, that's it--i'm pregnant. God gave me his son to bear."
            "No, God gave you her daughter to bear."
            "A lesbian immaculate conception?!"
            --Chris d'Agostino and Hannah Strom Martin

"I'm not lactating!"
            --Hannah Strom Martin

"Why donate [your brain] to science when it's nothing but a pile of gray custard?"
            --Chris d'Agostino, on suicide by gunshot to the head

"A giant fish swallowing some guy's head is just asking to get caught."
            --Chris d'Agostino

"It's like, i know i shouldn't even be thinking about what kind of underwear someone is wearing if i can't see their panty-line, but..."
            --Jemma

"Hey, man--sailor THIS!"
            --Hannah Strom Martin, on sailor moon & co.

"You haven't seen Mirka's llama porn, have you?"
            --Summer

"If i didn't completely mock her, i'd get really bored really quickly."
            --Bev

"Could you please get your mind out of the gutter? You're blocking my periscope."
            --Shelley

"I'd start screaming, but that would probably shatter our friendship, so i'll leave it at this."
            --Jemma

"It's good to identify your suckiness. Be in touch with your inner suckiness."
            --Bev

"Speaking of god, sculpture studio. Eight minutes."
            --Greg

"So you're like, 'Yes, now i must be, like, doubly entertaining.'"
            --Bev

"No cheesecake was meant to be smeared all over someone's body and make them run through...oh nevermind."
            --Chris d'Agostino

"OK--you people are just obsessed with me and that's all there is to it."
            "Jemma, i can't take my eyes off you..."
            --Jemma and Summer,

"OK. Nobody loves me. Good."
            --Shelley

"That's not a dog; that's a freak of nature."
            --Shelley, on Blue's Clues

"Don't answer that. Gimme the blasted hammer."
            --Jemma

"Yes, i do have quite a nice ass. I must give myself that."
            --Laura Pelkey

"Oh. I thought you were going to say, 'You wouldn't want me to be patting her and then take a bite out of her, would you?'"
            --Laura Pelkey, on Jemma's soft-and-fuzzy obsession

"Look at me! I can use synonyms, Mommy, without training wheels!"
            --Jemma

"This tree is a virgin. Don't hurt it. It's tender and untouched and new. It still has all of its ideals and illusions."
            --Jemma

"I've always wanted to spell my name with an X."
            --Beth Kessler

"It's ironic that when we say a person is a virgin, we mean that they haven't had sex before, but when we say it of a forest, we mean it hasn't been BEATEN TO DEATH yet."
            --Beth Kessler

"Where's the thingie the thing thing?"
            --Bev

"Dear Dave,
            Would you please drug Jess for me? She keeps writing it down every time i say something stupid."
            --Beth Kessler, in a note to the dining hall.

"Beth's claim to fame: feels just like a table leg."
            "Top 10 worst things to say in bed..."
            Myself and Beth Kessler

"If i were a short handsome man, would i have to be careful what i said?"
            --Beth Kessler

"Truth is what you find on the undersides of tables at midnight."
            --Jemma

"*You* feel silly? I'm the one wearing the assless pants."
            --Rachel

"Any excuse for a public stoning's always a good one."
            --Bev

"He'd be so, like, oh my god, you know?"
            --Bev

I keep telling you guys that there are--them...that they are here."
            --Jemma

"[Going on with tendonitis] is an option--just not a good one."
            "OK--Setting yourself on fire before jumping off the empire state building is an option. It's not a *good* option, but it's an option."
            --Jemma and Bev.

"OK, so the worst thing to happen to me is for someone to poke me in my...sensitive parts, and..."
            --Bev, on tickling

"OK, Jemma--now you're just feeling me up. It's just...weird."
            --Summer

"No! Beth's not for eating. Beth's for snuggling."
            "What?...Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle, chop, fry, eat..."
            "Do you ever get the feeling ...that people want to eat you alive..."
            --Myself, Bill, and Beth Kessler

"Wouldn't it be great if it were like that, and you were like, 'What was that? I know i heard something.' But then it just played over and over in your head like, 'Salt. Salt.' until it became this god inside your head. That's it! A salt god using you for his evil salt purposes."
            --Bev, on asking for the salt quietly

"What? Oh--i'm sorry. I didn't realise you were in the way of my desolate gaze."
            --Jemma

"Awww, she's feeling left out. Somebody go flirt with her, too."
            --Amanda

"I'll say this for them--cute equals tasty. Yes, you were a cute thing, and now you're a big slimy piece of meat, and i'm gonna eat you!"
            --Greg,talking to his roast lamb

"Hey, they're probably poisonous! I wanna make soup!"
            --Jemma, on a bush of wild berries.

"My head is multidimensional gate with lots and lots of travelers."
            --Jemma

"I'm sorry. People were getting preoccupied about sitting on the sharp pointy thing."
            --Jemma

"OK--Just what is 'rocking down with your bad self'? Is that when your evil twin leaps out of you and does a mambo?"
            --John Providi

"Hooked on ebonics be workin' fo' me, yo."
            --Bev

"Why the fuck am i fucking cursing so much? What the fuck's up with that? I mean, fuck, man."

--Bev

"I didn't know if you were one of those people who doesn't like to be touched."
            "OK--You can rape me from here to next Sunday; I don't give a rat's ass."

--Cassie and Bev

"I'm sorry! I nearly beheaded your father with my visual thinking."
            --Shelley

"First i was a writer and a poetry major. Then i was a writing and chinese major. Then i was an anthropologist. Now i'm a literature major."
            "And next year you'll be a flying duck."
            --Shelley and Bev, on Shelley's plan committee

"God Damn Yipe. OK?!"
            --Shelley

"Don't you see?...OK, i just forgot the funny thing that i was going to say."
            --Shelley

"It was your mission in life to make tea come out my nose."
            --Shelley

"Actually, [my last plan committee meeting] wasn't so bad. They bashed me in a nice way."
            --Shelly

"But i like playing with the condiments!"
            --Jemma

"I will enjoy my ice cream cookie sandwich, hell and high water be damned!"
            --Cassie

"Pass me a napkin, Tory, and don't say anything disgusting while you do it."
            --Cassie

"That was when my dad and i had a talk, because my mom had told him all the different problems i had with him. So he sat me down to talk, but first he brought out a pomegranate and said "Look what i have for you." So i grabbed it and said "OK, what do you want?' We still got into this big nasty argument, but it was a good pomegranate."
            --Shelley

"Yay! If my food gets an auspicious luminosity, i want an auspicious luminosity, dang it!"
            --Shelley

"We come to your village to loot, pillage, and give your women foot massages!"
            --Cassie

"I dance for no one but my boy."
            "And your karaoke class."
            "But that...that wasn't for anyone. They made me do it. They put sparkly shirts near me."
            --Cassie and myself

"You do have a pen, don't you? I don't want to contribute to your delinquency."
            --Cassie

"Nothin' says lovin' like a chipmunk in the oven."
            --myself, on Alvin and the Chipmunks singing christmas carols

"You were attacked by a nasty filk with large pointy teeth. It sank its claws into you and proceeded to shake you back and forth in its jaws and wrap its tail around the rest of us."
            --Shelley

"Women--can't live with 'em, can't get them to tie you up and beat you with a warm squash."
            --Tory

"Cassie, how much sleep have i been getting in the past few weeks?"
            --Alex

"Alex, you seem to forget that there is a large dirty mind sitting in the center of this table and it has pipelines going to all of us."
            "So now it's get your mind out of the napkin holder."
            --Jemma and Shelley

"I wish i could just get a stamp that says 'dumb fuck'."
            --David Slavitt

"Writing a pastoral is like trying to capture an alligator with a matchbox, a telescope, and a pair of tweezers. You look at the alligator through the wrong end of the telescope, grab it very carefully with the tweezers, and then very quickly, before it can bite you, you stuff it into the matchbox and close the lid."
            --David Slavitt

"What food group are napkins?"
            --Cassie

"I dunno--napkins always seemed too dry and bloodless for me."
            "You could try going for the jugular."
            "What?"
            "The jugular of the napkin. You grab it at the center and go arrrgh...[sticks the napkin in her mouth and shakes it back and forth like a teething puppy]...and then it bleeds."
            --Myself and Cassie

"Don't make me squeak. It's undignified."
            --Cassie

"I've always felt this campus could use more ninjas."
            --Brendan Mahoney

"No! Don't abuse my belly-button!"
            "But it was right there, bared and on display! I figured it wouldn't be all on display like that if you didn't want it twaddled."
            --Catharine B-W and Alicia

"Can we make a quote of that for the [bennington college official] web page? 'I recognize that Field Work Term is good for me, and i'm glad i've done it. But i enjoy it almost as much as a good root canal.'"
            --Sue Zocchi

"I'm glad [chae's back], because i have this chinese character on my ass and i've been meaning to ask her what it means."
            --Tory, on her new pants

"Stop it, before i have to thwap all of you with the squeaky mallet of common sense."
            --Shelley

"She's not eating the [cherry] stem. I don't want to know what she's doing with the stem, but she's not eating it."
            --Jemma

"No! No more shocks, no more frights. No more horrid wretched surprises. Take the hat away!"
            --Jemma

"There was a puppy, and it was big and fluffly and it was so cute! It was a giant poofball, but it wasn't little, it was big, and it was big and poofy and it had the face, and i just had to hug it and the owner was really nice and it gave me kisses and it was all big and fluffy..."
            --Shelley

Something Perverse happened to me dessert...and i didn't even know about it!"
            "Cassie, Lots of perverse things often happen with dessert. I should know; i write many of them."
            "Well, at least the pie was delicious...if perverse."
            --Cassie and Shelley

"I'm not going to be able to look at my glow-in-the-dark Harry Potter band-aids the same way again...and that scares me."
            --Cassie

"Cassie, you're scaring the girl who wrote the giant H.O.T. porn romp."
            --Shelley

Notice that she still hasn't moved [after receiving head scritchies]. She's collapsed into a pathetic excuse for a person to hide behind, but she hasn't moved."
            [dreamily]"Hey...I've got a french fry. Call me a pathetic excuse for a person again, and i'll throw it at you."
            --Myself and Jemma

You know, the more i see of RPers, the more i wonder...lots of things."
            --Cassie

[chirpily]"Like my balloon? It's red, and the string is black. Aren't i hard core?"
            --Cassie

"You wanna try me?! I have a spoon, and i will take you on with this spoon, and i will take you down! You may be good with the chopstick, but try me with the spoon, and i will win!"
            --Jemma

"She's writing again. Oh damn."
            --Jemma

"It's not like it's scary. it's just a bunch of people running around having sex and pretending to drink each other's blood."
            --Kaitybeth, on the new Queen of the Damned movie

"By the end of [my Amish history] class, i was convinced that we should just give them Nebraska, send them all out there, build a moat around it, and leave them there."
            --Kaitybeth

"I like sex better than toothpaste."
            --Lucky

"Laundry first. Then rape and torture."
            --Tory

"Oh--like you've never turned into a hot pink lobster-shaped race car."
            --Isabelle?

"I've decided that evil has a much cooler hat than God does."
            --Cassie

"Hot fudge up the sinus cavity is not a good thing."
            --Cassie

"It's only my brain, lieutenant. I'll think with my ears if necessary."
            --Chae, as Robin

"Jemma, i have to ask this again, and i know you're gonna say no but i have to ask... will your eyebrows marry me?"
            --Cassie

"If they ever decide to secede, i am positive that yours will be the first address they decide to look up."
            --Jemma, on marriage proposals to her eyebrows

"That's what would be so sad--if there was a nuclear holocaust, and humans only saved the otters, and then they had to eat them. I'm going to have cows and otters in my fallout shelter."
            --Cassie

"And they're all these uber-elite fashion people, and one of them is wearing clothes that she, like, obviously designed herself. And i'm there with my sketchbook going, "Um...I have cute sketches of elves."
            "Are you going next week?"
            "Uh huh. But next week i'll be, like, sooo prepared. 'Cuz i'm going to staples, and i'm gonna get get a really nice sketch book, and i'm gonna fill it with really cool sketches of costumes. And then i can take it with me, and i'll sit on it the whole time. But i'll just, like, know it's there and that will be enough."
            --Cassie (with a small question from me) on the costume/fashion design majors' weekly meeting

"I don't know if [Cassie] has an official title for me, because i don't know if there is a word for the person i scare wherever possible. What does that make her, my squeaky toy?"
            "She's my squiky toy."
            --Shelly and Tory

"And you can quote me on this--When you're working on scenes, you should slap each other on the ass."
            --Dina Janis, acting teacher

"Noooo. I'm not getting back in that bed. I'll wind up in Timbuktu."
            --Shelly

"Thank you, Chae, for making my night just that much more surreal. For a moment i was wearing leather pants."
            --Shelly, following the sudden appearance of one of her characters

"Thpbpbpbpbpbpbt. You can quote me on that."
            --Shelly

"Only at Bennington do people do perfect imitations of your belt pack."
            --Tory

"I am not getting in any pink cars, because there will be naked ladies. And i can't deal with anybody naked right now."
            --Shelly

"I know shelly says we eat the napkins, but i don't want to. This is us not eating the napkins. Observe us not eating the napkins. Aren't you impressed with our ability to not eat the napkins?"
            --Jemma

"Peeps are the most wonderful things in the world."
            "No, peeps are an evil force trying to take over the world. Have you noticed that they don't come as individuals, but as phalanxes? It's so that when the time comes, they can march right out of the box to victory."
            --Cassie and Myself

" Beans are more nutritious, but my hair is more fun. Now which do i choose..."
            --Jemma

"Geez. I have to get this pen out so often, I really ought to put it someplace more accessible, like my cleavage, or something."
            --Tory

"Let this be a lesson to you--evil voices are bad for the digestion."
            --Jemma

"OOooooohhh...I'm getting double teamed by a freshman and a piece of pastry."
            --Myself

"Why doesn’t he just go die of consumption in a garret somewhere?"
            --Cassie, on Evan's gothic streak

"I didn’t think that intimacy was the hippo."
            --Ted Hoagland

"Nibbling! [I said] nibbling! Foul minded fool—we’re talking about sex!"
            --Cat Burke

"See, it’s just a suggestion, like pants."
            --Raj

"Luke--I am your father....Luke--stop hitting your sis-ter. Do I have to turn this starship around?....Luke--it's time for you to do your home-work."
            --Julian Dockhorn

"It could be an evil bunny. Evil bunnies are cute. Good bunnies are cute too, but there’s just something about evil bunnies."
            --Catharine B-W

"[FGC’s High School] group is a living, breathing orgasm...ism..."
            --Unknown

"Maybe I could hypnotize [my psychiatrist] with devil ducky. Maybe that would help."
            "But wouldn’t that kind of defeat the purpose? I mean, if he’s supposed to help you..."
            "I know, but it would be helping him. And that would be a good thing, see, because he would be a new man, and he would be much better and off to do good in the world in a rubbery inanimate sort of way."
            "A rubbery inanimate *satanic* sort of way!"
            --Fisher and Myself

"I don’t have a heaving bosom. That’s just the point. They don’t heave. Neither do they bosom."
            "But see, anyone can have a heaving bosom. You just take a deep breath and..."
            "I don’t have a bosom to heave. They don’t like each other. They just go in different directions, like lizard eyes."
            "But mine do that and it’s ok."
            "But you see, you can gather them together and it’s fine. With mine, you try to push them together and it doesn’t work. It’s like the civil war. Can you see the Mason-Dixon line?"
            "Shel, there’s a problem here--you, clutching your breasts, shoving them in different directions *at* *the* *lunch* *table*."
            --Shelly, Fisher, Myself, and Jemma, on Shelly's breasts

“So I’m standing there, doing the accordian thing with the bishop’s hat, and the other kid’s unscrewing the bishop’s staff, and I start playing ‘hold the cross up high’. We got into soooo much trouble. We had to scrub the altar and say 2 rosaries. And I don’t mean the little altar; I mean the big altar in the back, with all the saints and stuff.And it hadn’t been cleaned in years, ‘cuz you’re not supposed to climb up the side of jesus.”
            “Did they know that you were climbing up the side of jesus to clean?”
            “Oh, I was just hangin’ on to saint peter, scrubbing the lamb with a toothbrush.”
            --Shelly and Myself

“You’re not my mother! If you were, I wouldn’t be biting you."
            --Fisher, on talking with her mouth full

“And to think, all I was doing this morning was sitting at home, innocently writing porn."
            --Tory

“I don’t think milk makes a very effective holy symbol. What are you going to do, prevent osteoporosis? The vegan dives for cover! Fear the cow!"
            --Shelly

“You know, if there were men with tits in real life, I wouldn’t need to be bisexual."
            --Tiffany

“Jemma...my love...my darling...my rose in a garden of evil...DRINK THE GODDAMN COFFEE. I’ll get my own."
            --Shelly

“It’s nothing, really. It just seems a little…well...illegal."
            --Fisher

"You don’t love our child!”
            “No, I’m just suspicious that it’s a pasta product."
            --Fisher and Tory

“It’s a kinder, gentler sort of murder."
            --Myself

“It’s like, ‘OK. There’s an oven over there, and I’m holding a copy of Sylvia Plath. Why am I not making the connection?’ But then it’s, like, an electric oven, so I stick my head in and it’s like 30 minutes before I realize this isn’t going to work. And by then I have this big sunburn over half my face."
            --Tony, on hypothetical theatre stress

“Yes! It was Lucius in the great hall with the candlestick!"
            --Jemma, on fanfic sex

“Yeah, it’s those little moments of slowness in between the quickness that you can’t entirely hear, but you can sort of hear it if you don’t listen."
            --Fisher

“But then, every so often there’s one where I say, ‘Yes! That’s it! That’s how I want to sum up the experience of watching my friend give birth to a pierogi!”
            “I don’t know, though. It was sort of an unusual birth. I mean, first it was on Tory’s plate, then bounced onto the floor because she’d stabbed it with a fork. Maybe I missed something in sex ed, but I don’t think that’s how babies are usually born."
            --Myself and Fisher

“How can the conversation come around to eating small children twice in one day?! And both times in the dining hall, at that!"
            --Fisher

"I can kind of see if I don’t breathe."
            --Eredien, on foggy glasses

"If we Basque in your presence, does that mean we have to rebel against the evil French overlords?"
            --Eredien

(singing) "I’m depressed, I don’t know why, don’t know why, don’t know why. I’m depressed, I don’t know why. My name’s Vanyel. Or Talia. Or Kris. Or any of the other characters."
            --Lila(?), on Mercedes Lackey-style fiction

"Be all the paradoxes you can be."
            --Fisher

"See, that's what I think of when I hear that a bathroom's got my name on it."
            "Except for us, it would be, 'For a good collation, call...'"
            "I'll collate you, baby."
            "Oh baby, I'll col your late."
            "See, that's the thing about Jess--she manages to be a strange combination of a dirty wench and the godfather. She says things that sound vaguely provacative, but at the same time, like, make no sense at all."
            --Eric, myself, and Sami

"Your evil impales itself nightly upon the phallus of good."
            --Fisher, on Tiffany's questionably evil nature

"I rather liked the Palm [Pilot] of my typist. It made a funny sound when you touched a button. It made an even funnier sound when my talon came out of the other side again. Little bit expensive, though, for something that only works once."
            --whisper the 30' dragon

"'Challenge' is one of those things you say when what you mean is fucking awful."
            --Liz P.

"So i was sitting there, and i couldn't decide whether to shove the arm of my glasses into my right eye or my left, but i was pretty sure either one would be less painful than this."
            --Gabriel, on a Meeting for Business

"I think i just always have sex with my boyfriend before Central Committee."
            "See, now i'm not sure if that's because you think Central Committee is just sooo sexy, or because you need the sex to get through it."
            "I think it's the second one. Definitely the second."
            " Oh, baby, give me the General Fund Report."
            "Especially this stuff. Financials really turn me on."
            --Elaine and myself

"Man, how much virginity can you lose in one night, Julian?"
            --Becka, on high-stakes Rock, Paper, Scissors

"Older. Older. My chest is still up here[gestures at chest], and my butt is still up here[gestures at butt], and my balls are not yet down here [gestures at knees], so i'm old er."
            --K. D.

"Sorry--i can't help it if i twist everything into sado-masochism."
            --Ginny

"When i was in Chess Club, we only talked about politics. We didn't have sex."
            "I think the chess club in my middles chool played chess. I don't think they had sex. If they had sex, I don't want to know about it."
            --Laura and Becka

"We would talk and he was like, 'Why won't you go out with me? Why won't you go out with me? 'You're a big jerk' is not a good enough reason.'"
            --Becka

"I had a friend who wanted to see Donny Darko,and then someone else told him that the main character was named Donny, and he was like, 'NOOOOOO!'"
            --Catharine, on spoilers

"I always enjoy helping Julian to find his balls."
            --Becka

"To the best of my knowlege, Julian's balls do not light up."
            --Blair

"The voices say you need to bleed so they can sing the pretty songs."
            --Shiro, on RPG monsters

"That sucked so hard it left hickies."
            --Shiro

From a button: "A freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother."

Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
            A. Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

Q. How many minimalists does it take to change a light bulb?
            A. One

Grabel's Law : 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
            -- Dorothy Parker

"A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has a better lawyer."
            --Robert Frost

"There are no silly fears. If you're afraid of something, it's real, and it affects your thinking and performance no matter how invalid or valid someone else thinks it is."
            --Robert Asprin, Phule's Paradise

"The furry community is, by and large, bi and large."
            --Baxil?

"I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness."
            --James Thurber

"Nyquil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
            --??

From a button: "Real dragons don't sing opera--just torch songs and scales."

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
            --??

"If there is no god, who pops up the next kneenex?"
            --??

"What has four legs and an arm? --A happy pit bull."
            --??

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
            --Southwest Airlines flight attendant

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
            -- Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement

From a button: "I've given up trying to change the world. I'm going to toilet train it so i never have to change it again."

From a button: "Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
            --??

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
            --??

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
            -- Phoenix Flight Attendant after a bumpy landing

"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
            --Bette Reese

"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
            --Pilot

Written on the Bennington College WHIP radio CD player: "This device meets or exceeds standards set by the Mulroney Magnetic Noodle Act of 1988."

"All the universe is my house, and my house is my clothes. Why, then, are you entering my pants?"
            --Unidentified Daoist (if anyone knows who, please enlighten me)

From a t-shirt: "i have gone to find myself. If i get back before i return, keep me here."

"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows."
            --Janette Barber

"You know, the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears."
            --Geri Jewell

"If high heels were so wonderful men would still be wearing them."
            --Sue Grafton

"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: ‘We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is high enough that he doesn’t need us bragging about his questionable academic exploits on our car.’ ‘We are the proud parents of a child who has survived his teachers’ attempts to brainwash him into mindless subservience to a consumer culture.’ Or how about something realistic? ‘We are the proud parents of a daughter who hasn’t gotten knocked up yet.’ ‘We are the proud parents of a son who hasn’t shot anyone this year... though he did knock up your daughter, and he sold drugs to your honor student.’"
            --George Carlin (approximate)

From a Grape Nuts package: "Warning! Contents may have occurred during shipping and handling."